I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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