My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
