from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
