i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
its liver damage thursday
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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