just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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