My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
