I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
