I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sorry about my life...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
