I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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