I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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