i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
