you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
