not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
