i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
