you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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