I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
