Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I checked into jail on foursquare
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
