And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
porn star boner night. come get it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
