Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
