Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
