There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
