Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
