Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
