You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
