FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
