I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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