Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
