so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
