Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
