Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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