I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
