that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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