I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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