ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
