"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
