I think my vagina is haunted
im holly from the hills drunk
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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