Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
