My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
