if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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