People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I need water and some morals
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
