Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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