My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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