I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
