I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
