No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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