Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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