1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
