my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
