Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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