He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he fucked my hip out of place.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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