I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
What a dumb baby whore.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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