When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
