I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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