he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
