direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
