I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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