just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
