theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
