thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
